Dissociation Interviews
The following interviews were conducted with Emily (fictional name) who had dissociated because of early childhood trauma, who had completed her road to healing with the Lord, and had become one again.
These questions and answers might help you to understand more thoroughly an example of how dissociation works in an actual, real-life example:
Interview 1:
Interview 1 – Explaining Dissociation
How many parts do you have?
When all my dissociated parts had introduced themselves, I found myself with 16 dissociated parts. Four of those 16 were sub-parts of Elsa, my already dissociated empathy part. She had to bear a set of heavy grief traumas, and as it was just too much for her to bear all of it, she sub-divided parts of herself off, just giving each a package of grief to bear, until it could be processed. After that grief had been properly felt and processed, each of those sub-parts immediately slipped back into their places as part of Elsa. Each part knows exactly where it belongs, according to the way in which our Father created them in the beginning.
Two other of those sixteen parts were still really young parts, and not really currently functional as an active part of Emily’s soul. As soon as the trauma they bore had also been thoroughly processed, they also just slipped back into their places and became one with me. I thus currently have ten dissociated parts left, all ten of which are strongly functional parts of mine.
Please explain the concept of “dissociation” to us, as you and your parts experienced it?
My parts can “come out”, so to speak, and chat to you. This classifies us as a “Type B Dissociation. In a case of “Type A Dissociation”, part can’t come out and introduce themselves. They talk to the “Host” and the “Host” tells others what they are saying. It is important to remember that no one’s soul area is, or functions, in exactly the same way. In my case all my parts and I are all constantly aware of exactly what is happening. Everyone sees and hears constantly whatever is happening in my life. This is often not the case and instead only the part that is “out” can experience what is going on externally.
My parts come to the fore very strongly when they are needed in specific situations and without me, Emily, consciously thinking about it, I step aside and let whichever part it is, dominate, in order to fulfil their required role.
People who associate with me therefore realize rather quickly that my manner and style of communication can differ greatly, depending on the task or role I am currently engaging in.
How did you choose the particular names for your parts?
I did not choose their names at all. They introduced themselves to me with their names. In each case I knew what my part’s name was, because the name came to the forefront very distinctly in my mind. Three of my parts opted to change their original names, somewhere along the process of their healing. One of them, because her name has a very negative connotation, and the other two because they had adopted male identities with male names and returned back to their feminine forms, preferring new feminine names. All three of them picked their own new names too – I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
How exactly did you find your parts?
Because I am a Type-B dissociation, I can see my parts. I can see them very clearly within my mind and I know exactly what each one looks like. As soon as I was willing to get to know each of them, the first thing that happened is I saw my part. Then I got their name and their age. After this their pictures, or memories, started coming through – invariably first details about the location where the trauma took place, with an ever-clearer picture until finally, the whole trauma is fully delivered for processing.
In order to start this process, you have to be a born-again child of God. You need to understand the process of dissociation and know that it is real. Each of us knows that there is something wrong with us, but we don’t know what. We just usually realize that we are not living the victorious life that the Bible talks about.
Our Father is faithful, and just as He says in His Word: there is a time for everything (Ecc 3:1). There is a time for each person’s healing too.
As soon as I understood the process of dissociation well, and we started working, the Holy Spirit started showing me bit by bit what had happened in me. He shone His light on each of my dissociated parts in turn and He helped me through the process of dealing with that traumatic information. A part of my information and parts I discovered in counselling sessions, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I made contact with the remainder of my parts while praying alone, but again, with the help of the Holy Spirit shining His light on them.
When one understands the process thoroughly, it is really very possible to do it by yourself. If the trauma is severe, however, or you are not sure about what is happening, I think it is advisable, to at least in the beginning, not attempt the process on your own.
Our Father revealed every lie that was established within each part and He replaced that lie with the truth. I confessed the sins that my ancestors had committed, which had given the enemy a legal right to attack me. I had to forgive those who had wronged me.
I can finally walk in freedom as a child of God! I also possess the knowledge now to deal with any possible trauma immediately, as it happens. It is just indescribably wonderful.
These parts of yours, are they new discoveries that emerged after you started with counselling, or have they been something you have always been aware of?
I did not know my parts personally and well, as I do now, but I was aware of their existence for as long as I can remember. I was aware of the fact that there is more than one facet in my mind and that they often disagree sharply with me, or even with one another.
Many times, I was trying to describe my inner conflict to someone, I would say: “A part of me feels this, but another part of me feels that…”
I was often aware of the fact that an internal shift is taking place, in order to enable me to better deal with whatever situation I was confronted with. Especially my exuberant part, “Belle”, my adventurer “Sammy” and my task-driven worker “Martha” were very clear in manifesting their presence in the foreground and other people were very aware of the shifts too as they came and played their respective roles.
How did you know that it was actually your parts giving you their legitimate information, and not just you subconsciously imagining all of it?
With my very first part, I didn’t know yet how this was going to play out. I simply chose to trust God to help me to not be deluded or deceived. I was honestly worried about this very thing, as I have always possessed an extremely active and fertile imagination.
When I started getting the information, however, I just knew: this is real! This is not something I could possibly have dreamed up. When I met my first part, Ruth, she carried the deepest pain of my life. The information that she carried I had pushed away so deep and far that I had absolutely no inkling or memory left of it.
As I received her information back, I first saw one place and then another: the locations where the trauma had played out, and it was crystal clear. I was very young when that trauma took place – just 4 years old – but the colours, textures, smells and events came back so clearly that it was as if I was actually reliving it. It was agonizing, but as Elizha said and I can testify to its truth: you survived this trauma once and you will survive it again this one last time. You are older and stronger now and the Lord is constantly with you in the spirit, to help you through it.
When sharing this trauma with my parents some time afterwards, my mum asked me where it had happened. I described what I had received from Ruth and she immediately recognized the rooms I was describing.
All the other traumatic events that my other parts carried, I could remember and was conscious of when I thought about it. But because I had been exposed to rather severe trauma at a very young age, which is simply impossible for a child of 4 to try to process, I learned to dissociate completely and thus separate myself from the event, and I did so very easily throughout the rest of my life. Any emotional pain, or even severe discomfort, which I did not feel ready to deal with, I simply dissociated from and the part that carried it was completely cut off from me. This is a temporary solution, but comes back to bite you on the long run, because that unresolved trauma and those emotions are still there and keep informing your actions, your decisions and your behaviour.
Do you consider this process, with all the pain and discomfort that is intrinsically a part of processing trauma, a worthwhile pursuit?
Yes, yes and yes! There is an inevitable amount of pain and discomfort yes, but this weighs as nothing against the complete freedom and healing that you can get when you allow God to take you on this journey. Walking through this process is such a gift and one I wish I could give to each of you!
Do you think it is important that people complete their journey to healing? Why do you think so?
I consider it so important that I would call it crucial. I do, however, wish to make it clear that I don’t think one’s salvation depends on whether you have completed your road to healing, but I do consider it terribly important because of the following reasons that I am personally experiencing within my own soul:
- The Lord made us to be in a state of perfect inner unity, with all the parts of our souls connected, and working together to express the fantastic uniqueness of our personality and abilities. Dissociation disrupts our normal functioning and makes us less effective people.
- The parts of our soul become dissociated when we push them away because of trauma that we cannot stand to deal with. Those unresolved emotions remain and manifest terribly negatively in our words, our actions, our choices and our behaviour, for the rest of our lives. This is only rectified if we are willing to complete our journey to healing.
- Some our parts cause trouble, or even physical danger for us, in their dissociated states. They are good and necessary, but need to function in connection with the whole of us, in order to remain under control. These very real risks remain for as long as we are dissociated. The journey to healing solves this problem too.
- To some extent, each dissociated part is a bit too much: too exuberant, too daring, too task orientated; depending of that part’s function. The only way in which the perfect balance can be attained, is when all the parts are one, within the place and order that God created for them. One has to fully complete one’s journey to healing in order to find that balance.
- If you are willing to walk your road to healing, you get to know yourself in a most astoundingly wonderful manner! And more importantly: you get to know your Lord and your God in ways that you could never have dreamed of. He meets you in so many depths, touches you, and makes you whole. You are never the same after that!
- And the most important reason of all: we are God’s temple! He lives within us. His temple is lying in ruin and has to be rebuilt! My responsibility, as His child, is firstly to ensure that the parts of my soul that are “lying in ruin” be rebuilt. This only happens if I am willing to take my journey to healing right to its completion.
Interview 2:
Interview 2 – Further Dissociation Explanation:
Please give us a brief background sketch: how did you grow up? When did you become born again, and how was your relationship with God, in general?
I Grew up in a very loving, Christian home. Parents were always involved in ministry. Have 4 siblings. Christianity was very real and practical. I had excellent relationships with both my parents, was well looked after and always unconditionally loved and accepted.
Gave my heart to Jesus between 2 and a half and 3. In other words, no conscious memory with no Jesus. My relationship with God was always real and alive, characterised by bouts of wrestling with Him, discovering more about Him, and then wrestling again. As I entered my 30’s I had a growing realization and concern that I was losing ground with God over time, instead of gaining. There were also several areas in my life in which I knew there was no victory, no matter what I did. This moved me to seek help.
Might wonder, how is dissociation possible with such a godly heritage: the enemy is a master chess player and used a right he had to strike a crippling blow in my life when I was 4 years old. So, at 4 years of age, I learned how to dissociate unbearable situations and emotions and thereafter it was easy to dissociate even just continuous discomfort during my childhood, never mind, unbearable pain. We all have issues, however collected and blessed we appear on the surface.
You have only begun your healing process relatively recently, and discovered your different parts, as such, or were you actually aware of them prior to this process? Please explain how you used to function before?
I was always aware of the fact that I consist of many different components internally and that there is often sharp differences of opinion and even conflict between these parts. In order to make sense of this conflict and weigh all the various sides of the internal arguments I would always write. I didn’t realize at the time that often my parts were writing too, as they got opportunity and as I investigated their particular side of the argument, so in this sense they each had a clear voice throughout my life.
How did you think about your inner functioning? Did you think everyone functions more or less in a broadly similar way to you, or not?
In a sense, yes. I think all of us assume similarity between ourselves and others. In another sense, no. My mum told me times without number that I am very complicated and I understood that the way I function is not the norm. I have always been very analytical of myself and others, so I was aware of universal similarities, but also clear differences.
Your parts are able to come to the fore very easily and communicate in their own capacity. Were they able to do this before? In other words: did you ever lose time, or find yourself in odd places without understanding how you got there? If not, why not?
I am not aware of consciously losing time before, so if I did, it was very subtle. They were allowed to dominate in various situations in my life where the specific characteristics of a particular part were really necessary. People often remarked how very different I was in different sets of circumstances and were shocked or amazed at the differences.
My parts couldn’t take over, just as they still generally cannot take over simply because I, Emily, am really strong with an unshakeable inner balance. No matter what happens, I tend to retain my inner stability. This is the direct grace of God and fruit of my upbringing. My parts were just not strong enough to shoulder Emily out of the way. If I had not known God and had this inner stability, they would easily have been able to come out at will.
As it is now, Emily is always standing right beside whoever is “out” and can at any time replace them.
How do you feel about becoming one with your parts again?
Initially the thought filled me with sadness and a sense of loss. It is such an amazing and colourful discovery to become properly and thoroughly acquainted with each of one’s dissociated parts. It filled me with such a deep sense of wonder and awe at how God has put us together: “Fearfully and wonderfully made” indeed, beyond my wildest imaginings!
But in the meantime, the Lord has brought me to an understanding that it won’t be a loss. It will be a fantastic gain. All of us are in our optimal state: both functionally and emotionally, when we are one. None of them will ‘disappear’ so to speak, and I will still recognize their presence when they come to the fore dominantly in the situations that call for their dominations. So, I don’t wish the days away till we are one, but neither do I feel the impulse to postpone our becoming one again any longer than our agreed upon date. I am curious as to what it will be like afterwards when we are one again and that will be interesting to see.
How does the switch take place between you and your parts?
My parts are all co-conscious with me. This means that at all times all of them can hear and see exactly what is going on in our life. When we are talking to you, liefste tannie, they’re all standing here in line, because they’re all very interested and love you dearly. Just in case it looks weird, I have formed the habit of just looking down as we switch parts and then looking up again as soon as the next part is “out”.
This is however not necessary. If I give my parts permission to switch at will in a given situation (such as when interacting with you) it can be almost instant and you may just suddenly pick up changes in tone of voice, expression and even terms of address. Words are generally very important to me, so many of my parts use specific terms of address or terms of endearment when talking to you or another loved one. And these terms often differ.
What are your parts doing when they are not “out” and what does is look like in your soul area?
In our case my parts are all functional. They’re all playing their roles in whatever is happening in Emily’s life at any given moment. This means that though each of them has a room, they’re only there if they’re dealing with a huge crisis, or sleeping. My parts already function very well as a team and their respective parts of expressing the “Emily” God put together so uniquely and wonderfully.
Interview 3:
Interview 3 – after “Becoming One” again:
How did you know that you are ready to become one again?
Well firstly, it is a matter of prayer. I prayed about it a great deal and asked the Lord to lead us. Secondly, I talked to my parts a great deal. Each of them agreed to our becoming one again and were ready for it. Shortly before becoming one again my parts and I, each in turn, took some time together to just make sure that there aren’t any unprocessed memories, that we still need to process with the Lord’s help. One can always continue this process after becoming one again, but it is easier to reach the information when one has direct access to one’s parts and can still communicate with them.
Everything was nicely in place, with the inner knowledge that it is time now and that all of us are ready, with the Lord saying, “Go ahead, My child. I am with you.” There were no doubts for any of my parts or I.
How did you feel, just before becoming one again?
My goodness, it was a difficult moment for me! I’m talking about the literal day before we became one again. I had such a fantastic relationship with each of my parts and was so accustomed to my inner conversations. I was certain that I was going to miss them terribly. It was as if I was faced with the ordeal of losing my closest friends. Not losing them in the sense of them utterly disappearing, but losing them in the sense of being unable to talk to them, or see them any longer. I cried dismally, then made peace with it, and then we continued and became one again.
Did you experience anything at all when you became one again? In other words, did you know immediately that you and your parts had become one again?
I had no physical sensation of anything, but I immediately received a picture that three of my parts had actually shared with me earlier, when I was struggling with the thought of losing them, a few weeks prior to becoming one. It was a picture of the gears of a gearbox, neatly aligned on a prop shaft after having been repaired. I saw them clicking into place besides the others inside the casing of the gearbox. This is a very powerful analogy for me, because my dad is a mechanic and I had spent many hours with him as his “spanner girl. I knew the cost of getting up to that point in the process very well, as well as how wonderful it is!
Additionally, there was the peace of God that surpasses all understanding that descended upon me. All the tears were gone and, in its stead, a calm restfulness.
What did you have to do to accomplish this: that you and your parts became one again?
The preparation had to be done, in other words, all the information that my parts were carrying for me had to be processed. The rest is the Lord’s work. He is the Creator who fashioned our souls and its inwards parts so fearfully and wonderfully. He is the one who built the possibility of dissociation into us, so that we could somehow cope and continue with our lives, even when severe trauma inevitably strikes in this fallen world that we are living in. He is also the one who puts us back together when we have completed our healing journeys.
It was as simple as a short prayer, asking our Father to put each inward part back into its intended place, and then it happened.
You and your parts became one in the evening. What were your emotions and experiences the following morning when you woke up in a state of oneness again for the following morning?
I remember that I woke up really early that morning. I had my quiet time with the Lord and talked to Jesus. Then I wrote a poem, expressing what I was experiencing. Throughout the whole of my life, whenever I have experienced anything that moves me deeply internally, I have always expressed and processed it in the form of a poem. So, to answer this question as accurately as possible, I am simply going to read that poem:
The Silence
(After becoming one)
What shall I say now
In this large inner silence?
The beautiful, light-washed room
All filled with vibrating, intense life
The ten known and beloved parts of me
All gone now – gone from my sight.
And it is so quiet. So still.
No changing moods, happy banter
Sharp retorts, or profound advice.
Just me alone, a stranger to myself.
It is so strange – this unknown aloneness.
This silence that has a mood all its own
A mood of rest, rightness, oughtness.
With the still soft voice of God clearly audible.
And yet, I catch the sounds of their dear voices –
We’re here love! We’re here.
We are you, dear old silly!
How can we ever be gone?
This I know full well, but for now:
The overwhelming silence.
To grow accustomed to
Like a whole new world to live in.
And I feel so small and so old.
I want to reach out and touch you.
I want to hold your dear faces
Put my forehead against yours
And not be alone in this stillness.
That is wholly good, yet so very strange.
Were there any other challenges that you experienced?
Indeed, yes! I remember, just a few days after we had become one again, I had an uncomfortable day. Nothing serious; just some perfectly normal irritation, frustration and an additional bit of sorrow. By the end of that day, I realized that I had not been in the habit of getting angry before – in truth – I very rarely got angry. But this was because I really detest the emotion of anger and how it makes me feel, so I had always delegated it to my parts immediately. I was generally beautifully calm, because my parts had to bear the natural, inevitable anger. Sadness and grief were dealt with in exactly the same manner. Any deep heart ache I very rapidly dissociated, instead of feeling, accepting and processing it.
So the challenge here was for me to actually feel what it feels like to own all my own negative emotions, instead of passing them off to my parts. What a disillusionment!
Can you please describe to us how your inner world and general functioning has changed now that you are one again?
Most gladly! This is an incredibly important question that needs to be answered clearly. I hope I will be able to properly capture it in words because I want it to be crystal clear to everyone that the fruit of pursuing inner healing with Christ is worth the trouble, worth the perseverance, worth the completion! It pays off abundantly.
In my dissociated condition I was still well balanced and highly functional. This is because of a most blessed godly heritage from my parents and the way they raised me. Simply, the hand of God’s grace over my life. A contributing factor was the fact that my parts and I were always co-conscious. There was never a sense of chaos, weirdness or discontinuation. One took over from the other smoothly. Nothing was ever out of control. Emily was always the strongest and my parts helped and fulfilled their functions. All of my parts were cooperative and good team players. So to all outward appearance I always seemed to be completely sorted out, efficient and capable.
The invisible reality though, was that it was always far too busy inside Emily’s inner world. There were constant conversations. Often there was bantering, teasing and arguing. Many times, there was more than one strong emotion, and frequently these emotions were in opposition to one another. Whenever the emotional levels of different opposing parts were strongly felt, it was almost like a civil war, and it made me so deeply unhappy.
Additionally, whenever any of my parts stepped forward to perform their role, or fulfil their functions, they were always just that bit “too much”. Too exuberant, too focused, too thoughtful, too daring, too empathetic, whatever the case may be. In truth this is truly uncomfortable. And our loving Father intentionally made us with all our parts in unity so that there is a natural, constant balance, where all our parts complement each other and function together smoothly with a natural rhythm that softens every action.
My parts all did their parts with excellent willingness and capability, but too sharply, if I can put it that way. They are too sharply defined if they have to try and fulfil their roles in a dissociated state. We’re not meant to function like this, though we make it work and get on with life.
After becoming one again, the continual inner dialogues stopped. It is so unbelievably different. There is a restfulness that is so right, in its stead. It is much easier to think clearly, easier to hear God’s voice.
I had a tendency to do several different tasks simultaneously. I would do a bit of one task, leave it, and start a second, and a third, or more even, moving back and forth between tasks. This is unavoidable at times, especially when one is a mum with little children, but in many cases, it was because my parts focus on different aspects and wanted to do different things, so it was an internal tug of war with each wanting to prioritize their task of choice. This has completely disappeared! In other words, my general focus is much better.
Also, my general functioning is softer, more balanced. All the too sharply defined edges are gone now – perfectly smoothed and balanced in the unity of all the parts of my soul. I can feel each of my own emotions clearly; there is never more than one that is in total opposition anymore and I can act with conscious intent, informed by what I experience of my emotions. When I am angry, it is clear. I can feel that I am angry and ask Jesus to please help me, processing the anger instead of suppressing or dissociating it. When I am happy, I am still deeply joyful, but it is more maturely expressed, more profound.
The difference is inexpressibly precious! This is how we ought to be – whole. I’ll not be easily knocked over, even though life’s storms and waves are often violent. There are no triggers that compromise my heart’s balance out of the blue, awakening deep and inexplicable emotions, that in turn lead to compulsive or illogical behaviour and actions. Emotions flow as they should and can be properly handled and processed. I am more mature, wiser, more restful. Truly, it is well with my soul. Thank you, Jesus!
How did your becoming one again specifically affect your Christian walk?
This aspect of being whole again is the most profound and precious of all and above all else makes it so incredibly worthwhile to complete one’s journey to healing, or put differently, to rebuild the ruined parts of the temple of your soul.
The first difference is in the reading of His Word. I have always read the Bible – even through my darkest years. As a simple acknowledgement that it is necessary and in my own best interest to do so. Now the Word of God is so alive! It speaks to me like never before. I have an openness of mind and spirit when I read it and a hunger to search it out like I had in the earnest zeal of my first love. There is a drinking it in, and hearing and understanding. This is such a gift.
Secondly, more deeply than the need and longing to connect with any beloved and close dear one, there is the need and desire for God that cannot be denied. When I sit before Him, how sweet the communion, how full my heart. When I catch a glimpse of His face there is adoration, worship, contentment so sweet.
I have had something of this fellowship and devotion before, in my ardent early twenties, but it was not as complete as it is now. Because some of my parts were still in enmity with God. Now I have a heart that is undivided and that loves Him more and more deeply.
Thirdly, I used to be in the habit of wilful and sometimes reckless sinning. This often troubled me immensely and I would wrestle with why I didn’t care? Why I knew right from wrong so well, as well as the forthcoming fruit, yet chose the sin again and again?
I realized in the process of my healing that that source of deliberate and compulsive sinning was always instigated by one of my dissociated parts, but now, in our wholeness and whole-hearted commitment to God, I find that it is gone! I don’t think for a moment that I will never sin again. The Bible makes it clear that it is inevitable, but no more will it be that calculated careless disregard of God’s commandments, trampling of His blood underfoot, or the cheapening of His grace. Now I deeply care about what matters to Him and out of love for Him, wish to keep His commandments. Suddenly it all makes sense – because my heart is changed; undividedly fixed upon Him and His temple to dwell in.
It is a fantastic privilege to be one again. It is so much easier to live in such a way that my light shines brightly, pointing towards Jesus, the Saviour of our souls.